Finding Gratitude in My Childless-Not-By-Choice Life
Sunday, Sep 1 2024, was a perfect day.
The sun shone over Sweden all day long. Alex and I had a lazy morning and then ran some errands (in our new car!) and bought groceries at the big Coop. Then we came home and he made Croque Monsieurs for lunch, while I cleaned a little. Then we watched TV and took a glorious nap in the middle of the day; something we never do!
In the afternoon, we took our SUPs out on our calm lake. And I STOOD UP on my board for the first time! Alex had held the board while I stood for a couple seconds, but this time, I stood up on my own and started paddling for a good ten to fifteen minutes! It was an incredible endorphin rush to face my fear and reach this personal goal.
If you told me ten months ago, when I had no feeling in my legs and feet, that I would be balancing on a board in the middle of the lake, I wouldn’t have believed it could be possible. I can’t believe how far I’ve come, and how much I’ve fought to be in that moment.
Now all I want to do is practice and get really good at it. SUP is a great new hobby that Alex and I can do together; it’s good exercise and allows you to immerse yourself in nature and beauty. It’s an amazing feeling being just you, out in the open water. I don’t remember what we did the rest of the day, but I’m sure it involved more delicious food and drinking rosé.
It’s always fun to see friends, but some of my best days lately have been the ordinary days with Alex and days spent all by myself. With no obligations, I just see where the day takes me. I think it’s good for my soul.
When we have kids, our life will look different, and I have longed for that life for years now. But it’s nice to be able to find some appreciation for the freedom and relaxation we have now.
PS: I have the knowledge that my ex got married on the day I’ve just described. So, I took a moment to internally acknowledge how thankful I am that he ended things with me because we definitely wouldn’t have survived infertility or anything else. I’m grateful that we went our separate ways and found more suitable partners.
I’m grateful to have survived everything that I have survived.