An unattainable dream

aka Infertility and MS are exhausting

I’ve been trying to finish the third part of my infertility (and MS) story, but each time I look at it, I feel so overwhelmed. So I’m going to put it off for a week or two.

Alexis and I bought our first home - very exciting! We will move in one week; the day after my 40th birthday. Besides being busy packing and getting ready for that, I have felt emotionally and mentally spent. It hasn’t helped (it never does) that I haven’t been sleeping very well. The sun is rising really early now - light and dark is quite extreme in Sweden.

On Monday night we returned from a 5-day trip to Vienna, which was wonderful but very tiring. On Tuesday I had my first appointment with a new psychologist close to our new home. The walk in the hot sun and the session seemed to wipe me out for the rest of the day. She cried when she heard my story, which surprised me! I think it shows great empathy and emotional dedication to her job. This, of course, made me cry too so when I got home, I was pretty drained.

On Wednesday morning we went to get keys to the new place, which should have been a happy experience, but the previous owners (a young couple) arrived a few minutes after us. The girl was as pregnant as can be, wearing a tight stretchy dress and a rosy-faced smile. My own face went pale and my baby-less stomach dropped to the floor. I was polite, but stand-offish, which is NOT like me. The infertility monster can turn us cold.

I tried to not look at them while we signed the papers, like shielding your eyes from triggers, but they were certainly the picture of warmth and peace. Soon they will have our dream, a sweet little baby to add to their family; and for the second damn time. I felt so angry at the world. They probably don’t even know how lucky they are.

One tragedy of human nature is that we can’t fully appreciate the things that we expect to happen in life. Having children is something that society believes to be easy and natural, which is another reason infertility is so completely maddening to those experiencing it. Even when I listen to my favorite MS podcast, the two actresses talk about how their children are the light of their lives. Multiple sclerosis is a unique struggle, but everybody is a parent. A infertility friend described it perfectly, “I never thought this would be the thing I would struggle with.”

When we were released from the real estate office, I breathed out and cried in Alexis’ arms. It was only morning, but here I was, exhausted again. Alexis went to work and I went alone to our empty apartment. The kitchen and balcony were bathed in sunshine and I tried to imagine us happy here, even allowing myself to picture a small child running around and the second bedroom as a baby room. It all just feels like an unattainable dream.

The rest of the day was spent signing up to receive unemployment payments and applying to jobs (I was laid off a few weeks ago). Then I met a friend for AW (after work) drinks, which is Sweden’s version of “happy hour”.

Then I really realized how tired I am and decided to limit my obligations for the rest of the week. So the only thing I did on Thursday was see my primary care doctor. I told him that I started therapy and he thought trying an antidepressant could be helpful, as well, due to how much I’m dealing with, but I’m unsure.

Today was pretty relaxing. I had a short meeting with my work coach and a pedicure. And watched an episode of the third season of Bridgerton! My feet and legs were feeling weird this morning but upon stretching and doing some exercises, they started to feel more “normal”. I won’t know what my “new normal” is until 1 - 1.5 years after my MS attack (it’s been 6 months), so we will see.

Oh! If you’d like to share your infertility or MS story, I would love to publish it! Over and out.