One of the most commonly asked questions after experiencing a miscarriage is “Why me?”
Why should I lose my baby when so many other women are getting and staying pregnant perfectly fine? Women that don’t even want children. Or women who aren’t able to love their children.
I’m sure you’ve asked yourself those questions 100 times, right?
I know I did.
And because I didn’t have the answer to that question, I couldn’t help but feel like it was somehow my fault. So I convinced myself that I must have done something wrong in my past to deserve this and that this was karma. So I began to believe that this had happened to me because I don’t deserve to have children or I don’t deserve to be happy.
This belief consumed me and lead to self-blame, which impacted my self-esteem and my mental and emotional wellbeing. The guilt and worry over why I lost my baby haunted me along with the negative thoughts that I wasn’t meant to become a mum. That I’d need to start thinking about a future without a baby in it.
The joy I once found in life seemed to vanish. Everything I enjoyed suddenly felt meaningless, and I was trapped in a cycle of self-blame that I couldn’t break free from.
The turning point was when I learned to recognise these thoughts for what they were: stories I was telling myself, not facts. By noticing the thoughts that were consuming me, I started to ask myself—are these beliefs based on truth, or are they simply narratives that I’ve created in my head?
And 9 time out of 10, those thoughts were just that—stories!
By identifying them as stories, I was able to reframe them and change the language I used about myself and replace those limiting beliefs with more empowering and truthful thoughts.
If you’re struggling with similar negative and intrusive thoughts such as I don’t deserve to be a mum, I’m not meant to be a mum, here are some tips on how you can start to identify and overcome your self limiting beliefs:
1. Start by identifying the intrusive/negative thought patterns that keep coming up and write them down. For example, “I don’t deserve happiness,” or “I’m not good enough to be a mother.”
2. Challenge the belief by asking yourself: Is this really true? Often, these limiting beliefs are based on emotions or past experiences rather than facts. List out reasons why the belief might not be true. For example, consider the good things you’ve done, the support you provide to others, or the positive traits you have.
3. Has this thought cropped up at other times throughout your life? When I started thinking about my recurring thoughts I noticed that “I don’t deserve “ had cropped up throughout other areas of my life too previous to my miscarriages. So I knew this was a deep rooted belief of mine which has likely stemmed from childhood or past events. It doesn’t matter where or when they were formed. We don’t need to know that in order to change them.
4. Replace the limiting belief with a positive, empowering statement. For example, instead of “I don’t deserve happiness,” try “I am worthy of love and happiness.” Create affirmations that feel genuine and repeat them daily. Over time, these positive statements can help reprogram your mind.
5. Support your new belief with evidence from your life. If your new belief is “I am deserving of happiness”, back it up with examples of times when you’ve achieved something, been kind to others, or overcome challenges. This evidence reinforces your new belief and makes it feel more authentic.
6. Be present and notice when the negative belief arises. When you catch yourself thinking, “I don’t deserve this,” take a moment to pause. Acknowledge the thought, and then consciously replace it with your new, reframed belief. Over time, this mindfulness practice can help you weaken the grip of the negative belief.
7. Picture yourself living with your new belief. Imagine the positive outcomes that will come from believing, “I am worthy of happiness” or “I deserve love and success.” Visualisation helps reinforce the new belief by creating a mental picture of your desired reality.
8. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift you and reinforce your new belief system. This could be friends, family, support groups, or even online communities.
9. If you’re struggling, consider working with a coach or therapist. Sometimes, reframing deeply-ingrained beliefs can be challenging, and having professional guidance can make the process more effective and supportive.
10. Reframing beliefs is an ongoing process. It won’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing.
By consistently applying these techniques, you’ll start to see a shift in the way you perceive yourself and your capabilities.
To anyone reading this blog who may be struggling with similar thoughts, I want you to know that these unhelpful beliefs are not a true reflection of who you are. They can feel like your worst enemy, but they don’t have to define you. By identifying them and having a way of addressing them, you can remove these limiting beliefs, find peace, and begin to heal.
Healing from miscarriage is a journey, and it’s one that starts with self-compassion and a willingness to challenge the thoughts that no longer serve you.
Remember, you are deserving of happiness, and you are capable of rewriting your story.
